you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
