You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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