dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
