If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
