She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
