Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
