In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
