mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
