i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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