She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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