So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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