He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
