Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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