I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
