the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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