I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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