I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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