By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
