im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
