I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
50% drunk capacity currently
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
