i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
