Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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