Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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