He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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