see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
