Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
