it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
