Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
