I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
