i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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