I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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