i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
