Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
