remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
