the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
