Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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