My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
