mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i out mim tonsoeep
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