Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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