I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
