Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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