I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
