I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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