My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
