If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
