she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dicks are not precious.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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