Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
