ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
