You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
