I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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