How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
